like i said, it was at the domestic violence shelter

and this made me a lil concerned because as much as i am all about women’s and sexual health… certain things really disturb me. don’t get me wrong, i want to help and be involved, but to a certain extent i feel like i have to kind of remove myself

because it truly disturbs me

i really enjoy all things and convos related to sex

but rape, for example, is such an intimate and vicious thing that it just completely taints the whole idea of sex. it is not what sex should be. someone’s sexual experience should not be in that form. and someone should not have to devalue their rape by attempting to devalue sex in their mind

sex should be valued!

and love/relationships. another topic i enjoy. but in a case of domestic violence, all of that gets skewed. and it is very difficult to repair. in a lot of cases you can’t predict that outcome…so i can’t imagine ever trusting someone again if i did go through that

i feel like when i meet the women i’m going to have to mentally picture with each of them what they must have been through and what must go through their minds on a regular basis when they’re out and about and don’t know where their abuser is

so these are the questions that popped into my mind today:

1) how does pent up sexual frustration effect how long a woman stays at the shelter? like for someone who is a very sexual being and can’t even have a moment of privacy to satisfy herself because she’s sharing a room with another woman and her kids. i’m being serious. i feel like that could be enough to make someone reconsider. esp knowing how some people stay in relationships just because the sex is good. it can almost be like a fix. i’d imagine that situation to be frustrating.. as my professor described it- you’re snatched out of your environment. even if it is an unsafe one. u miss your bed, your tv, your kitchen..etc etc.

2) have their been incidents within this safe house where children were abused (ie sexually) by other children? considering the psychological effects abuse or witnessing abuse has on a child, i wonder if any child has ever taken it out knowingly or unknowingly so on another child. and if so, i’d imagine that child to be hesitant to tell because as far as they know this is the only safe place for their mom…and who are they to mess that up? tht’s a tough position. Lord, i hate when children are involved. they just have no control and very limited knowledge and resources concerning their options. heartbreaking.. it’s why i worry about my kids and the last community clinical site we went to. like all i can think about sometimes is one of my kids (“my kids”) could be gettin abused right this very moment. and where have they to go?

3)  shoot, i can ‘t remember!

anyways. i feel like this community clinical experience is going to weigh heavy on me. but that’s ok. it will help somehow. i just can’t imagine being sexually abused by a spouse..that’d be confusing. or being hit. like i’ve been accidentally hit before and that was shock enough. but actually hit with full force intention….my goodness

like, what would i even do?

ok that’s all i got for tonight